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Isobel Facts

Kitchen chores that are horrible

If I tweak any of my Pandora stations at all they end up being nothing but Duran Duran. I don't even LIKE Duran Duran!
I lost my virginity to Moby's B-Sides. It lasted one and a half songs. I can't hear any song on the album without snickering now.
I'm living proof of bad taste in music, I like twee, synth pop, indie rock, Klezmer and dub step.
The first tape I ever bought was the Chant, the Benedictine Monks of San Domingo.
The first CD I ever bought was Sugar Ray. See, my taste in music has ALWAYS been bad!

I cheated on or ended relationships so that I wouldn't cheat in every single relationship I've ever had until I discovered non-monogamous partnerships. Polyamory saved my sanity.
The boyfriend I gave my vaginal virginity to was threatened by masturbation and considered it cheating. He told me to cut it out or we'd break up. I just lied to him and told him I'd stopped. That was the beginning of the end of that relationship for sure!
In Christian school we believed vaginal virginity was sacred but everything else was cool. Consequently I had anal sex before vaginal. Don't let a 17 y/o boy do anal on you. That's fucking stupid.
I subjected too many partners to sex moves I found in Cosmopolitan magazine before I wised up to how totally idiotic Cosmo is.
My ratio of serious partners to flings is probably a lot like Veronica in Clerks. "37?!"

I have only been the dumpee of a serious relationship twice.
I was in a two year long, emotionally abusive relationship. It sucked.
An exboyfriend stalked me really hard. Like wow it was bad. I had a mental breakdown and he ended up in prison.
In some bizarre "everyone hates Isobel" twist, I had one month in one summer where three romantic partners assaulted me.
My most recent ex was "the perfect guy" but not the perfect guy FOR ME and it took me years and lots of trying to force it before I had to admit that it wasn't going to work and let it go.

Two of my boyfriends were in the same mental institution at the same time (before I dated them).
Two of my boyfriends came out as gay after we dated.
Two people I dated later enlisted in the military.
A boyfriend and a soulmate (though never boyfriend) both went to prison.
I have taken the virginity of two men.

The relationship was flagging and we didn't like each other too much any more. Suddenly one night we couldn't keep our hands off of each other and ended up fucking in the front seat of his truck in a dark corner of the parking lot.
A then-boyfriend requested we get drunk, cover our bed in plastic sheeting and cover ourselves in oil. Remarkably fun!
A Friend-with-Benefits used to finger me so well that I would routinely come so hard I passed out.
The first time (after Christian school) that I tried anal penetration I used a vibrator on my clit, he entered me from behind and there was a butt-plug in my ass.
He bought me shoes that were too high for me to walk in but for him I wore them all the way up to his hotel room where he laid me out on the bed with my head hanging over the side. He strapped a vibrator to me and then he face-fucked me until he came all over my neck.

It was so uneventful that when I saw him later I'd forgotten I'd had sex with him.
I went down on a girl I met in a lesbian bar and I was so bad that she just asked me just to cuddle.
We tried to have sex but I was too dry and he had no lube. On accident I admitted I was cheating.
He brought a friend home from the bar and while he and I were having sex his friend became violently ill in the bathroom that shared a wall with our bedroom. When I asked to stop he said, "Don't worry, I'm almost done!"
Right after he inserted himself his brother yelled, "You have a phone call!" He replied, "I'll be right there!" pumped twice, was done, and left to get his phone call.

I had gastroenteritis returning from my first modeling trip on a Greyhound bus
I got the flu at AVN 2008
I got alcohol poisoning on my 20th birthday and I was too afraid of being busted for underage drinking to go to the hospital
A then-boyfriend fixed all the computers in a school system. He brought home every cold that season. I was sick 10 times over one fall through spring.

St. Patrick's day
April Fools day
Black Friday
Groundhog day
Memorial day, Armed Forces day and Veterans day -I know we need to be proud of soldiers -I am- but this is three days for essentially the same thing! If there were a Grandmother's day and Mother's day I would be annoyed with this too. Fortunately it's Grandparents' day and Mother's day so I save on holiday ire.